Happy (belated) New Year!

Well, I have neglected my blog for a week or so.  I have been busy being healthy.  It takes up way more time than I want it to!

So I am using a great site: myfitnesspal.com.  It is a free site for those looking for weight loss help.  I joined in August 2010 and used it for a weeks and then gave up.  Then I started using it again for about a day and gave up again, but alas, I started using it again about a month ago and I've stuck to it since.  It's great.  It has a food tracker tool to count calories or carbs or whatever else you are interested in tracking to lose weight.  There are also forums for support and you can make "friends" who encourage you to eat right, work out and give advice.  I think if you are truly committed to losing weight this site will definitely help.  So far I'm officially down 4 pounds, but I had lost 3 pounds from the summer until December so 7 pounds down and a lot more than I'm willing to admit, to go ;-)

I eliminated (nearly) all the processed foods from my diet -- you will never get me to start making my own tortillas, but the large majority of my foods are beans and vegetables.  I've also brought my meat intake to 1-2 meals/week.  I think eating in this way is helping my lyme.  I do feel like I have a bit more energy: yesterday I was able (and motivated to) go for a walk.  That hasn't happened for a while.  We'll see what today brings.  I've also slept a bit better the last few days (although not so much last night).  I've suffered from insomnia my entire life, but the last year has been particularly bad.  I won't fall asleep until 5a and sleep until 1p or I will only sleep in short 2-4hour bursts.  It is really hard to function normally and feel well when you are unable to sleep.  I have a c-pap for sleep apnea that does not help and sleeping pills that are supposed to knock you out the second you take them, but neither has worked for me.

I'm hoping this whole lifestyle change (it's not a diet!!) will work for me and speed up my recovery. 

Exercise and....video games!

Ok so we all know we're supposed to exercise but those moments that we feel well enough to are fleeting.  Plus let's face it, walking on the treadmill is boring which does nothing to get your motivation up to do it!  I joined a gym in May thinking if I paid to go (how many of us have had this thought?) I would go, but I have been a total of 6 times.  Obviously this is not working out and is costing me about $12 per 35 minute walk on that damned treadmill.  So my solution is to use my Wii instead.

I got the Wii for Christmas in 2008 but I got really sick in February 2009 so I didn't really get to use it.  It's become a $250 Netflix streaming machine.  A few weeks ago I started playing the Wii Sports games again and I am finally able to play for a little while plus it's a lot of fun.  It gives you a lot more motivation to do something if it's fun.  Is it the best exercise in the world? No probably not, but moving around a little is better than laying on the couch all day.  Plus, if you only have the energy to play for 5 minutes you can and you didn't waste time and energy driving to the gym.  Today I bought Just Dance 2 (yes I realize they came out with 3 but considering I'm behind the times, the less expensive version will do) and I played for 40 minutes!!  It was sooooo much fun.  Plus I have asked for the Wii Balance Board for my birthday so here's to more exercise and better health in 2012!

Christmas cookies from hell!!!

We baked 3 kinds of Christmas cookies today.  Thank goodness we waited until today to make them and not earlier in the week like I wanted because I attacked them.  I, of course needed to taste test them....I don't want to give people bland cookies!  I also received a plate of cookies as a gift which I also needed to sample.  Grrr....I have been doing so well eating healthy lately.  Sugar is awful for the lyme - it's their food so the best thing to do is not have it at all.  Well apparently my spirochetes are also having a Merry Christmas. lol

Well, it's the middle of the night and the dough for my kiffles is thorougly chilled...so I am off to bake some more.  Let's see if I can resist the urge to taste test this time. ;-P

Merry Christmas!!

The ugly....

What's not pretty about lyme is what it steals from you. 

It's robbed me of being able to walk, speak (sometimes literally and sometimes I just can't put my thoughts into words), read, I have tremors so bad some days I need to use a straw so I don't spill my drink all over, work, be a spouse, the great aunt I want to be, the friend I once was, and just enjoy my life in general. 

Even though I have had lyme for over 20 years, I was relatively healthy until 2008.  Before that, I was a graduate student, a runner, an outdoors person, a social butterfly...now when I leave my apartment it's to basically go to the doctor or Walmart or occasionally go out with a friend.  Most of the time I require a walker and sometimes even a wheelchair to do these things. 

In 2006 I ran the Maine Half Marathon and was training for the Walt Disney World Marathon.  Now some days I literally cannot walk from the couch to the bathroom.  I was robbed of my self confidence: something I never lacked in the past.  I get nervous leaving the house.  My independence is gone.  I rarely leave the house by myself (although it is getting better).  I used to commute 4 hours a day to and from work (not that I enjoyed it!) now I absolutely will not drive more than 20 minutes and most days won't drive at all.  Most of that has been a result of the brain damage.  I lost all my "mental maps" and get easily lost even driving roads I have been familiar with my entire life; I get confused between the brake and the gas pedals; my reading comprehension is not great so reading road signs on the move can be a real challenge; and needless to say, the quick thinking sometimes required while driving just doesn't occur.

But, it's more than just these things in and of themselves: I am literally afraid when doing things on my own.  That is the worst thing of all.

Benefits of Lyme???

Yup I said it: there are benefits of having lyme or other chronic illness. 

I am a trained scientist.  I spent 8 years getting my bachelor's and master's degree in environmental science.  I was lucky enough to manage to work in the field for 3 years before I was no longer able to continue.  Being a scientist does not leave much room for creativity -- it is certainly a very cerebral profession.  Unfortunately with brain damage comes the inevitable difficulty of thinking about everything!  Making decisions about what you plan to eat for breakfast feels like a major life decision.  Luckily for me, I have always had an artistic side.  However, early in high school I abandoned my creativity for the pursuit of science: I felt like I wasn't able to do both. 

Every once in a great blue moon over the years, I would start working on something creative but just as quickly I would quit.  Once I was no longer able to work because of the lyme, however, I began to feel that I lacked a purpose.  Feeling like you have no purpose in life might as well be a death sentance.  It threw me into a severe depression.  I was no longer able to make simple decisions.  The confident, independent person I was, suddenly became dependent on everyone for everything.  I truly mean everything since I became essentially bedridden for 2 months of my life.  Even once I began to get somewhat better, I was still reliant on people cooking my meals, driving me where I needed to go, making my phone calls, doing my chores, etc.  I needed an outlet.  I wasn't able to read (imagine, going to school for 8 years and realizing you can't read) so that was out of the question and the only thing I was doing was watching tv and spiraling downward. 

One day, I got back into making jewelry during those moments when I was feeling decent.  It was one of the creative outlets I would start many years ago, and just as quickly quit.  Then I started sewing again and making handbags; candles were soon to follow.  I was finally able to tap back into my creative side; a part of me that undoubtedly I likely would never have fully embraced had I not gotten sick.  I feel like I have purpose again.  It's not the same as having a regular job and it's not something I am able to do regularly, but it's an outlet that I truly enjoy and would have completely forgotten about.  I've been crafting since June and am looking forward to what new and fun things I can come up with.

So my advice to anyone who is in a depression due to being ill is to embrace something that at some point you enjoyed and maybe forgot about or better yet, find something new you think you might enjoy!  Do something crafty or artsy, be creative in the kitchen, start a blog....do something that makes you feel useful again!  It will make you feel so much better about yourself, and who knows, maybe it will lead to a brand new passion and possibly a new career once you are ready to get back to work.

T

Oh the simple things....

Yes it is the simple things but when you have memory problems and concentration issues the things that were once so easy are not that simple anymore.

Writing Facebook posts....seems simple enough right? Wrong.  An idea pops into your head.  Seems like something people might be interested in but then again, how many interesting Facebook posts have you really read lately??  Anyway...the idea pops into your head and you start typing.  Well after about 4 words you suddenly switch topics without realizing it because you've been distracted by some other random thought that pops in your head, or someone speaking, or the tv, or....well you get the idea.  Or here's another: you get 4 words in and completely forget what you were going to say! 

Either way, that witty/interesting/timely post no longer makes any sense and the time has past.  Hopefully next time my brain won't fail me....