The ugly....

What's not pretty about lyme is what it steals from you. 

It's robbed me of being able to walk, speak (sometimes literally and sometimes I just can't put my thoughts into words), read, I have tremors so bad some days I need to use a straw so I don't spill my drink all over, work, be a spouse, the great aunt I want to be, the friend I once was, and just enjoy my life in general. 

Even though I have had lyme for over 20 years, I was relatively healthy until 2008.  Before that, I was a graduate student, a runner, an outdoors person, a social butterfly...now when I leave my apartment it's to basically go to the doctor or Walmart or occasionally go out with a friend.  Most of the time I require a walker and sometimes even a wheelchair to do these things. 

In 2006 I ran the Maine Half Marathon and was training for the Walt Disney World Marathon.  Now some days I literally cannot walk from the couch to the bathroom.  I was robbed of my self confidence: something I never lacked in the past.  I get nervous leaving the house.  My independence is gone.  I rarely leave the house by myself (although it is getting better).  I used to commute 4 hours a day to and from work (not that I enjoyed it!) now I absolutely will not drive more than 20 minutes and most days won't drive at all.  Most of that has been a result of the brain damage.  I lost all my "mental maps" and get easily lost even driving roads I have been familiar with my entire life; I get confused between the brake and the gas pedals; my reading comprehension is not great so reading road signs on the move can be a real challenge; and needless to say, the quick thinking sometimes required while driving just doesn't occur.

But, it's more than just these things in and of themselves: I am literally afraid when doing things on my own.  That is the worst thing of all.